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DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL ABUSE (2)

Here is a link to the Part one in case you missed it.

To be a Nigerian, living in Nigeria, single, broke, cold under this rain; Who did I offend? No, I have to ask, who did I offend? I know say I get bad mouth but e never reach like this na

I had spoken previously on how one may be able to deal with emotional abuse from a parent and although, we can not categorically say it will pan out the way we want; it’s good to seek solution where there is a problem and try to resolve it where possible.

Emotional abuse can also wear the face of a lover, in fact, this type of abuse is very common and yet very hard to control or overcome. I’d like to reiterate here that abuse can be any form, any way and in any measure; however, emotional abuse always starts up subtly. The way malaria gently seeps into our bloodstreams, weakening our cells and our body raising warning alarms that we could just be falling ill. We sometimes like to think it is within our control, until it is not.

This is exactly how we fall prey to emotional abuse. It starts ever so subtly, it doesn’t question our ability to fight it, rather it appears almost like a mistake, one that would most likely repeat itself only with a different more elaborate excuse.

Emotional Abuse

It’s a fallacy to think persons with low self esteem are primary victims of emotional abuse, in fact, it isn’t even deemed emotional abuse if the victim already suffers from low self-esteem, it’s just a regular Monday for him/her. Kings/Queens who think they are immune to heartbreaks, abuse or deception are the main recipients of emotional abuse; abusers have a sick preference for such people, as it gives them unreal joy having to break to bits and pieces, strong, confident people; break them to the point where they question themselves and their existence, clinging only to the abuser for love, support and life.

Many people don’t know they are in abusive relationships until its too late, others bear with it because of its gains, while the rest…well; they really don’t know any better and as such are too naïve to even muster the strength to fight.

SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN A RELATIONSHIP

  1. Unrealistic Expectations: Some expectations could even be borderline crazy, when a partner tries to get you into fulfilling certain demands that you know has no long-term benefit to you, then you really ought to re-think your status. Expectations should be mutually beneficial to both partners and shouldn’t come at an extreme cost to any involved.
  2. Invalidates You Every-time: A partner that makes a habit of criticizing everything you say, invalidating every opinion you give, or trying to put you down so you can’t question him/her is a sign of an abusive partner; one which could get physical if overlooked for long. Your opinions may not always be right but they certainly aren’t wrong all the time for you to be “corrected”, almost giving the impression that you are worthless.
  3. Gaslighting: I think this is something that everyone ought to watch out for, gaslighting is a very prominent tactic that abusers use. Making you think you are crazy, using your weakness against you, humiliating you at every given chance, manipulating your emotions; these and many more are very dangerous to a person emotional health. Such control should never be in the hands of an abuser, and if it is, then it’s time to get it back.
  4. Withholding affection: This isn’t a light issue, there are a lot of partners who desire quality time with their partners as that could be their primary love language. Denying them of that only makes them feel very unloved and dejected, putting them in a place of isolation, dejection and questioning. This is a form of abuse because the partner withholding love and affection does so consciously and desires to see their partner suffer.
  5. Nagging and complaining: It gets to a point where your partner dreads having lengthy conversations with you for fear of you complaining or nagging or finding something to quarrel about. The peace and excitement in the relationship quickly fades and the partner reclines to their shell, trying to avoid any conflict or outburst. This form of control only demeans and silences the partner further, plunging them into an abusive state of mind where they feel unworthy of love.
Emotional Abuse

For a lot of people, it would be better if their partners laid hands on them, left marks on their bodies, at least that would mean the end of that and the fights may not extend beyond that.

For others, they would even appreciate if their partners found other unconventional means as long as they don’t have to undergo the agony of being emotionally drained, abused, and isolated. People these days don’t seem to care anymore though, so many are ready to trade their happiness, beguile others and suffer in silence, don’t blame them-society has done more harm than good.

If by chance you find yourself in a situation where you are abused emotionally, it is very important to leave that environment. Now this is easier said than done and I won’t be so bold to say it is the best decision you can take but your life, your happiness and the quality of life you hope to live depends on it. When people abuse the privilege, you have given them “except say you no get any value, but person wey get sense con get value know say, Tecno na android but no be Samsung mate”.

It’s a privilege to have people in your circle, and so you ought to treat it as such; you can do this by

  1. Setting boundaries
  2. Focus on your career/what makes you happy
  3. Vocalizing your thoughts and demands
  4. Protecting your space and the sanctity of your heart
  5. Identifying important parts of your life and prioritizing them
  6. Act more and speak less
  7. Find your “trybe” and keep it tight
  8. Work on an exit plan

Remember, making the effort to leave an abusive relationship isn’t easy and may take even more effort than you realise; but the first steps are the most important steps. Don’t be afraid to leave, and don’t be in a rush to fix things with your abusive partner. Be more selfish (God no go vex), be open to help and remember if you could handle it, then you won’t be where you are at the moment.

The best time to leave an abusive relationship is the moment your gut told you “Something isn’t right”, the better time is now! Goodluck!!!

Beans has become a staple food for me, I don’t like it, I really don’t. I need a break from this country, I hear Ghana is broke, so things no go too cost for there right?

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